The Gazette has always insisted its annual spring home, lawn, and gardening articles be written by people who actually know something about homes, lawns, or gardens.
In the spirit of true tolerance and diversity, they let me have a whack at it, too:
• Houseplants will die if they are neglected. Four out of five dentists recommend arranging playdates for your houseplants with the neighbors’.
• Mold in houses can irritate those with allergies. A common solution is to make those people go and live with other relatives.
• Trees growing out of your basement floor should be cut down before they reach the ceiling and damage the tiles.
• When building a home, it is best to start with the foundation and work your way up. Don’t procrastinate and save the basement for last!
• Peeling paint on an exterior wall can quickly and easily be concealed with duct tape. Use the shiny type, and you can cut your cooling costs in the summer.
• To brighten your neighborhood’s gutters, be sure to paint your house with water-based paint.
• Elves can be caught in standard live traps, but be sure to release them into the wild.
• Change the filter on your furnace at least three times a year. Something in a chartreuse or teal works best.
• Dandelions in your lawn were put there by God Himself. Do you want to risk His wrath by going to all the time and trouble of removing them?
• Squirrels who damage your lawn digging for nuts can also be used to scout for land mines. Send captured squirrels to the Pentagon as part of your patriotic duty to keep America safe.
• Potato trees should be covered with canvas in case of a frost.
• When I was in kindergarten, studying the first Thanksgiving, I learned the Native Americans used to fertilize their corn plants by tossing a dead fish into the hole when they planted a kernel. In today’s modern world, cans of tuna can serve much the same purpose.
• Never underestimate the effect of an exorcism for eliminating damage from deer and other wildlife.
• When planting trees, stop digging if you suddenly break through into empty air and see upside-down Chinese people staring back at you.
• Water in the basement is often the result of moisture.
• Lightning strikes put nitrogen into the soil. If you lawn looks like it hasn’t been struck by lightning enough recently, go outside at night and set some magnesium hubcaps on fire.
• A common pair of dull sissors is an effective alternative to a lawn mower, especially in summer when the kids are bored and complain there’s nothing to do.
• Even in emergencies, maple syrup is not a recommended alternative to laundry detergent.
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